Relationship attachment styles 101

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, chances are you’ve had a chance to reflect—even briefly—on how your behavior changes (or doesn’t) within the parameters of that two-way dynamic.

The reality is that while some people are aloof, and even emotionally unavailable, others come off as clingy (oh, that word) and in constant need of reassurance. And then there’s all the shades in between.

According to attachment theory, this is because people have different attachment styles.

What is an attachment style?

An attachment style is a specific behavioral pattern that we have, both in and around relationships. It indicates how we show up in relationships with others—and ultimately, with ourselves as well. Think of it as a rough guideline of our relational thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It details how our adult attachment style is shaped and developed in early childhood, and how it mirrors the dynamics we had with our caregivers as infants and children. Some researchers even hold that our attachment style is already formed within our first year of life, between 7 to 11 months of age

Four attachment types have been identified: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant AKA disorganized (more on these below).

As babies and children, we are hardwired to search for and attach to a reliable caregiver for love and protection. The quality of that first bond is everything. Whether loving and stable, unreliable, or altogether absent, it has a profound impact on the developing brain, influencing how we deal with the ups and downs of life and how we behave in relationships.

It’s not only our caregivers, though, who shape our attachment style—other significant relationships throughout our lives (i.e., friendships, romantic relationships) can also leave their mark. In other words, a person might emerge from childhood with a secure attachment style, but still, due to betrayals, infidelity, violence, etc. in adulthood, find they’ve developed an insecure attachment style—or vice versa.

Important to note:

- Attachment styles are not set in stone—if you want it, change is absolutely possible.

- Your attachment style may not be the same in every relationship. A lot can depend on your partner’s personality/attachment style.

- While this piece largely explores romantic relationships, it’s worth reflecting on your vibe in all types of relationships.

The 4 attachment styles

While there is of course endless room for nuance, and for the intricacies of personal experience, here is a rough breakdown of the 4 adult attachment styles: 

Secure attachment

Chances are you have a secure attachment style if your caregivers were responsive to your distress and attuned to your needs. Secure attachers tend to have an overall positive view of themselves and others. They don’t overly seek outside approval or validation, and can identify and regulate their emotions. Some can even help a partner do so with theirs. If you have secure attachment, you have the ability to form secure, loving, and intimate relationships. In other words, you're able to trust and be trusted, love and be loved. You're not afraid of getting close to a partner or to people in general, and you do so with relative ease. Nor do you panic if your partner needs alone time. You're capable of depending on others without becoming fully dependent—a bonafide balance.

According to attachment research by social psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver in the 1980s, about 56% of adults have a secure attachment style, which is considered the healthy ideal. The other 3 attachment styles are understood as insecure attachment styles.

Anxious attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, chances are you had caregivers that were inconsistent or unpredictable with their affections. Maybe your parents were too involved at times, and too withdrawn at other times. The impossible-to-predict fluctuation between receiving attention from an emotionally available person/people and having it suddenly withdrawn into the ether understandably leads to anxiety about future relationships. If you’re an anxious attacher, you likely have a profound fear of abandonment. You tend to be very insecure, and maybe partners have called you “needy” or “clingy,” which, yes, is hard to take. You are always searching for validation on some level. Underneath it all, you may understand yourself as less worthy of love than others, which makes the prospect of being alone extra anxiety-inducing. 

About 19% of adults have the anxious attachment type, according to Hazan and Shaver's research.

Avoidant attachment

Unresponsive caregivers who are dismissive and distant tend to raise children with an avoidant attachment style. In other words, when parents are regularly emotionally detached from their kid, the kid ends up understanding that their needs simply won't get met in the context of a relationship. If you're avoidant, you likely have a fear of intimacy. You may have trouble getting close to other people, and you may have a hard time trusting others too, because when it comes down to it, you don't believe that a relationship can do much for you. You might keep some distance from your partners, and maybe you’ve been told you're emotionally unavailable. Hell, you might even feel that relationships are oppressive and try to totally avoid them, preferring to be independent and self-reliant.

Roughly 25% of adults have the avoidant attachment type, according to Hazan and Shaver.

Fearful-avoidant (AKA disorganized)

Fearful-avoidant AKA disorganized attachment is so-named because people with this attachment style often seem inconsistent, teetering between extremes of avoidance and anxiousness. If you grew up in a home with caregivers who were scary and/or traumatizing, the reality is that your early experiences were colored by a profound sense of fear and a lack of trust in other people—in spite of craving close connections, as we all do. Maybe they were neglectful—or maybe they were abusive—or both. Either way, it's easy to come out of a childhood like that with a compromised understanding of boundaries and without being able to recognize a healthy relationship. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, relationships are often a source of desire and fear alike. You might feel starved for affection, yet find yourself avoiding it at any cost.

Fearful-avoidant attachment is not well-researched, and seen as relatively rare. Yet it is nonetheless associated with serious psychological and relational risks. These include difficulty regulating emotions, heightened sexual behavior, and increased risk for violence in relationships.

What to do once you know your attachment style (change is possible)

Chances are you know what style you fall into just by reading the above breakdowns. If not, there are many tests available online, including this one.

If you have an insecure attachment style, knowledge is power. You can:

- Use that knowledge to communicate your needs to your partners so they know how best to support you.

- Begin to recognize when you're exhibiting behaviors related to old wounds and take steps to address them via therapy or with a supportive partner, rather than let them damage your relationships.

- Realize that there is power in acknowledging your needs as they arise rather than getting reactive or shutting down.

You got this. <3