Twelve string at the ready, Horatio charged through the open doorway. Suki, still holding a smoking gun, stood with his back pressed against a wall while a lizard the size of a mountain lion sniffed at his crotch.

“How the hell did that thing get in here?” 

“Shut up and help me!” Suki shouted.

Not caring what chord he played, Horatio frantically strummed, wincing at the raucous feedback that blared from his guitar. The creature exploded into bite-sized chunks and sprays of blood that spewed in all directions. When the air cleared, he saw Suki sitting on the floor, ashen-faced and covered in gore.

“You’re welcome,” Horatio said.

Groaning, Suki spit out a piece of lizard guts and then wiped his chin with the back of one hand, all the while glaring at Horatio. “I’m welcome? I’m welcome? Look at my room! It’s dripping with monster entrails!”

“Yeah. Glad I didn’t take a shower yet,” Horatio said, flicking a piece of what appeared to be brain matter off his guitar. He heard stomping before Snake appeared in the doorway.

“I heard a shot and… what the bloody hell happened here?” Snake said, arms waving.

Suki pointed his gun at Horatio. “This asshole trashed my room.”

“Yeah, but I saved your life first,” Horatio said, pulling Snake in front of him as a shield.

Snake held his arms out and told Suki to put the gun down. “I don’t care about the mess in your boudoir, I want to know what happened.”

“Some freaky lizard crawled into my room and tried to eat my dick, that’s what happened. I tried firing at it, but the damn thing was bulletproof.”

“Or, you missed,” Horatio said, feeling brave since Snake was in front of him. 

Suki fired a shot at a piece of green glass that was stuck to the carpet, turning it to dust. “I never miss.”

“Wait,” Horatio said. “That green thing, it looked like…”

“A bit of eggshell,” Snake finished. 

“Where’s the other egg?” Horatio asked. 

“Shit!” 

Horatio ran after Snake as he dashed out of the room towards the elevator, noticing that the lizard had left a trail of its emerald colored shell behind. On the way upstairs, Snake explained that instead of safely stowing the eggs in the ship’s treasure room, he wanted to keep them close because, “They matched Sugar’s eyes.”

‘Close’ turned out to be his and Sugar’s bedroom. Barging in, Horatio’s anxiety over dick eating reptiles disappeared when he saw Sugar. Clad only in skin-tight yoga pants, Sugar was bent at the waist - palms against the floor - delectable ass facing the doorway.

“Hot damn!” Horatio exclaimed.

Sugar stood up quickly. “Does anyone ever knock around here?” he shrieked.

“No time to explain!” Snake grabbed the remaining egg from its display stand and smashed it against the floor. Instead of releasing a lizard, the egg split in half, showing off a solid core. “Huh,” Snake said, scratching his head.

“Congratulations. You just ruined a billion-dollar egg,” Sugar said. 

Horatio told Sugar about Suki’s near-death experience. “Figures we’d pick the one egg that turned out to be an actual egg.” 

Snake smiled at Horatio. “Want to go back and get another?”

“No fucking way,” Horatio said. He went back to his room and took a long, hot shower. When he emerged from the bathroom, clad only in a towel, he noticed a tray of food on his bed. 

And Suki.

“You lost?” Horatio asked the sexy blonde. 

Suki poured a glass of wine and offered it to Horatio. “You saved my life. I figured the least I could do was feed you.”

Horatio drained half the wine in one gulp. He set his glass on the bedside table and sat on the bed as far away from Suki as possible. “Are you armed?”

“Oh, I’m armed, all right,” Suki said, patting his dick.

Also freshly showered, Suki wore a tailored suit in coal black, paired with a sky blue silk shirt unbuttoned to the waist. The toned body underneath made Horatio salivate. 

“So, uh, how about that lizard, huh?” Horatio mumbled. “Freaky, right?”

It was hard talking to Suki because Suki wasn’t an ordinary dude. Suki was some sort of ethereal being, or an angel, only wrapped in Armani and dipped in crazy. Horatio could have started into those green eyes forever if he wasn’t distracted by the naked dick that poked through the front of Suki’s trousers, a dick Horatio wanted to lick from top to bottom. 

“See anything you’d like to have in your mouth?” Suki asked.

Horatio stared at Suki’s crotch. “Hells yeah.”

“I meant the food I spent an hour preparing,” Suki said, his tone turning from ‘sultry seducer’ to ‘pissed off tyrant’.

“You can’t show up in my bed looking like that, with your dick out like that, and not expect me to think about sex first,” was what Horatio wanted to say. Instead, withering under Suki’s glare, he reached for a sandwich, trying to hide the tremor in his hand. Suki, quite frankly, scared the crap out of him. 

“This looks amazing,” Horatio finally managed to say.

“It tastes even better,” Suki said, now sliding his fingers up and down his silky dick. “Thick and meaty, with a creamy finish.” 

Before he could say something stupid, Horatio shoved the sandwich into his mouth and took a bite, groaning with pleasure as his taste buds exploded. Tender roast beef, chewy bread and some sort of secret sauce, Suki hadn’t made him a mere sandwich, Suki had created edible art. Between bites, Horatio asked Suki about a hundred questions.

“You have roast beef in outer space?”

“This isn’t ‘outer space’, dumbass. This is Environ,” Suki said, refilling Horatio’s wine.

“So, you have cows out here?”

“Where else would one acquire beef?” 

Horatio helped himself to another sandwich. “Look, all I’ve ever known is Earth, so it’s hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m in another dimension, eating what looks like Earth food with a guy who…” He stopped talking and licked his lips.

“Who what?”

“Who looks like no human I’ve ever met before.” Horatio shook his head. “Where the hell do you come from? I mean, you’re fucking perfect, like maybe you were created in a lab or something.”

Suki took a sip of wine before answering. “I’m from Humeria, where everyone looks like me. Since we all look the same, appearance really doesn’t mean anything. I had no idea how devastatingly attractive I was until I traveled to other dimensions.” Grinning, Suki tipped his glass in Horatio’s direction. “Watching people trip over their feet when they see me? Priceless.”

“Back on Earth, people tell me I’m good looking, but out here, I feel like a troll.”

“Oh, honey, you’re no troll.”

Deciding modestly might be the way to Suki’s heart, Horatio put on his most innocent expression and asked, “You really think I’m sexy?”

With a roll of his eyes, Suki set his empty glass on the tray. “You need to learn how to embrace your hotness. Take me. I know I can go anywhere in the universe and get anything I want, just because of this face and this body.”

“Isn’t that taking advantage of people?”

Suki cackled. “Duh, that’s the point.” With one smooth move, he yanked off Horatio’s towel. “And right now, I’d like to take advantage of you.”

Horatio leaned back against the pillows that spanned the headboard and folded his arms across his chest. “I’m not that easy, honey. Woo me.”

Judging from the sparkle in his eyes, Horatio figured he’d stumbled across one of Suki’s secret erogenous zones, namely, being turned down. Luckily, Horatio’s limp dick added to the ruse. 

“Oh, I’ll woo you all right.” Suki stood up on the bed. “I’ll woo you so hard, you’ll come without my even touching you.” He turned his back to Horatio and slipped off his jacket. “You want to see this body?”

“Uh, yeah, of course I do,” Horatio said, hoping his voice didn’t crack. Suki was sexy. Suki was seductive. Suki was just about to take off his pants when the events of the day caught up with Horatio. He felt his eyes grow heavy. “Take it off, baby,” he mumbled.

Suki swiveled his hips while unbuckling his belt, causing his pretty dick to jiggle wildly. Horatio wanted to suck that dick, but the pillows were so soft, and the room so warm, he slipped into a deep sleep. When he finally came to, Horatio found himself handcuffed to the headboard.

And alone.