The following morning the first thing I thought about was Ian. If we were this good in a long-distance relationship, without having met, our life together was going to be fantastic. I didn't doubt it. We'd still not talked about a meeting but it was obvious we wanted each other badly. It was simply a matter of time. 

I needed someone like him. Caring and focused. Someone who would remind me there is a time for chores and a time to sit quietly and read. Someone who could, and would get the best out of me sexually. I had longed for direction and loved how he was giving it to me

Whilst in the shower I heard the phone ring. I let it go to answer machine.

When I listened and heard Ian's voice explaining that he was in for a busy day ahead, adrenaline cruised thorough my veins. He said that we could chat later but until then I was to take it easy, that I was bound to be tired after all the intense activity from the night before.

He was always so thoughtful.

I was desperate to finally tell Beth all about this new guy in my life. We'd arranged to meet at Pegasus for lunch. I told her, minus a few intimate details, what we'd been up to and she could hardly believe it.

“Sounds electric, Jude, but aren't you worried you don't – really – know – him?”

“No,” I almost shouted, indignant. “We've spoken for hours and hours, for weeks on end. He's really, really nice. It feels like I understand him more than people I see every day. And he knows me better than anyone. Except you, of course.”

“Yeah, I get that from what you've told me. Just be careful. You can get hurt in more than one way.”

After a bottle of wine and a large Sunday lunch, I practically staggered home at six. The phone was ringing. I eagerly ran across the room, tripped, fell on the carpet with the receiver in my hand.

“Ahhhh, heello.” My voice came out a little more shrill than normal. Falling over when slightly inebriated can do that to you.

“Where have you been? This is the third time I've called.” 

His voice was tart, impatient. He didn't even ask why I'd made such a funny noise. I told him I'd had a girlie time out with Beth and he was fuming. He said he'd instructed me to relax indoors for my own good.

I replied that I had chilled out anyway.

“Don't bloody interrupt me. I had big plans for tonight — to talk over the fun we had yesterday. It's important to reflect, but you have ruined that. You are drunk and tired. Of no use to me.”

My heart sank. He was upset with me again.

“Sorry. I really am. I didn't think.” My voice was small. An apology was warranted on this occasion.

I really was not very good at remembering he was the boss. Although I savoured our dynamic, he was never actually there with me in person and it was too easy to slip up. I tried explaining this to him. Hoping he would indicate that in the future things would be different. But he didn't. Instead, I was told my crime warranted a spanking. But as that wasn't possible the punishment would be silence. I was not allowed to speak with him until Friday evening.

Five agonising days. Until then I was only allowed to work, attend my aerobics class and rest when at home. Oh, and I was to finish reading the book. I was to be fresh and attentive when we next spoke, dressed and ready in my teddy. And throughout all five days and nights, there would be absolutely no masturbating.

“Understand?”

I did.

The next morning I was very tired. He'd been right, of course. I was almost grateful to simply come home, eat, shower and go to bed. By midweek, I had finished the novel. The character infuriated me. He wouldn't complete any job or relationship. Abandoning everything. I missed Ian but knew I could cope with my mind firmly set on the end of the week.

On Thursday, a parcel arrived. I knew better than to open it. My fingers went to dial his number on several occasions but each time I stopped. Then at last, it was Friday. I rushed back from work, bathed, and had a snack. Last time I hadn't eaten before our dildo-sex episode and afterwards I'd been too tired to even think about food. I blamed Ian. He should have included a mealtime in his instructions. If it was my job to behave then it was his to ensure I was taken care of. Those, after all, were the terms on which we had agreed.

Once dressed I checked my reflection. Yep, still the same curvy woman with a soft tummy and thighs that met at the top. But since my involvement with Ian, I had lost a little weight. I had been eating better. He hated me buying junk food, and so, determined to please, I didn't. I used my will-power instead and relished the small changes that had taken place in my appearance. I looked good, shapely. Long dark curls caressing my shoulders and full lips that gave me a sultry look.

I was ready and waiting when the phone rang and he sounded happy.

“Hi, Jude. It's been most peculiar not chatting to you but I expect we are both well-rested. Are you up for having some more fun?”

“Yes please!” I was ready for games. Just hearing his voice again was a turn-on. “I've been looking forward to opening my new present?”

We went on to discuss the book. He seemed pleased with what I'd learned. Then his voice changed. Became deeper, huskier and very calm. 

It was time to open the parcel.

The new gift was a black silicone butt plug. I'd never partaken in anal play but it seemed that was about to change.

“My cock's in hand, Jude. Very gently I'm stroking the end, imagining your tongue is teasing me. You'd like that, wouldn't you?”

“Hmm, yes. I can taste the pre-cum.”

I joined in but had not quite entered the zone. I nearly continued by asking when we were likely to meet. His breathing told me this was not the right moment. He was aroused and waiting for me. Tugging open the lingerie studs I felt my cunt. Very warm and wet, ready for anything. I'd wanted him all week and knew he wasn't going to disappoint. 

“Get the lube and massage it around your cunt and arse. Then gradually ease the plug into your tight butt hole.”

The mere thought of performing such a taboo act literally made me so hot, I began to perspire. I watched the moonlight spreading into my room and wished I'd had the foresight to open the window. Slowly, I pushed the toy deeper but I was inexperienced and my muscles fought against the pressure.

I stuttered, momentarily defeated. “I'm sor—" I stopped myself before he had to remind me. “I can't quite do it.”

“Jude, that's fine, breathe. Take it slow. Imagine I am right next to you.”

Inhaling, I calmed down. Ian whispered naughty things in my ear and all of a sudden in one quick movement the muscles relaxed and contracted, pulling the toy in all the way. I didn't know much about these things but it had looked quite large. I felt full as I could possibly be. A strange sensation, but one I liked and told him as much.

“That's because you're a very dirty girl who is only satisfied with big fat cock in your arse. Sluts like you can take it all.”

At first, I was a little shocked by the humiliation but the plug ignited me and suddenly I couldn't stop myself. I began to move rhythmically, toy in hand, making short sharp, stabs. Like I was really being fucked. The noises told him all he needed to know, and he pressed on with more gratifying, abusive words, all the while stoking his dick. I thought I was about to come when he ordered me to shove the dildo into my pussy, fast and furious.

“And thrust in the same manner. Don't stop.”

As the implement entered my cunt and pushed against the other toy I couldn't believe how sexy I felt. A bad, bad girl, holes full to the brim. No room for more. Then Ian began to speak.

“A stranger has stuck his dick in your arse. You are sitting, face forward, on his lap, riding him – legs wide open. I'm kneeling at the front, in between, my cock ramming your cunt each time he thrusts. I grab your hair, pulling your head right back and as we both use your holes your titties are bouncing, up and down, scraping against the lace of the teddy... Fuck. I can feel the other guy shoot his load in your arse hole and I can't wait any longer. One more jerk into you and, akkkkkkhhhh.”

At that moment, I heard the squelch of my pussy juices and thrust the dildo a final time.

All three of us came.

For a few minutes, we were both quiet. Slowly, I removed the butt plug. The sensation unnerved me a little but, my god, the experience had been worth it.

“Good girl. Now, are you going to do as I ask?”

I replied in the affirmative. He told me to clean up and as a treat, I could eat cake. A rarity. Luckily I had some in the cupboard.

The following day a food delivery arrived from the local deli. Lots of wonderful, but distinctly healthy products. I called Ian to say thanks.

“My pleasure, Princess. A new rule for you. Patience and delayed gratification are virtues. From today forward you must wait for my call, unless otherwise arranged. Have a quiet time and be ready for me at seven.”

That night simply involved dirty talk and gentle caressing. And the next few weeks passed by in a flash. My life seemed full. Books arrived. Occasional deliveries of food, lingerie or toys to explore with him on the other end of the phone. I began to drink less and felt better. And suddenly the month was over. Somehow even though we had been chatting for over twelve weeks I still had not managed to swing our conversation around to the subject of meeting. And now Jimmy was coming home.

Of course I had missed my son but his return meant I couldn't speak with Ian for two weeks. Which seemed like a year. But the time passed and once more Jimmy went to his dad's. That weekend was a whirlwind. Ian was as pleased as me that we were free to play again. The toys and lingerie came out of the drawer and we stayed up into the small hours making good use of everything. Not only that, we spoke for hour after hour, about books, food, work, and life. Truly thinking it was simply a matter of looking at the calendar, I asked him the question I had been holding back so long.

“How about we fix a date? You know to meet up. We could travel halfway.”

There was a pause before he replied.

“But Jude, I feel as if I already know you more than anyone I have ever met. I couldn't hope to know you any better.”

I understood what he meant. And that was all he said on the matter. I was hugely disappointed but didn't want to push so decided I'd have to tackle the topic another time.

The next day I sat waiting for his call, the call that usually came like clockwork.

Not this time.

I waited all week. 

Being a good girl. 

Not calling him. 

Remembering the agreed rules.

Finally, I gave in, worried that something dreadful may have happened, and dialed his number.

No... Not possible... 

A dead line. 

I must have misdialed.

Again. Carefully. One digit at a time. Knowing the number off by heart. On the tip of my finger.

But all I heard was the extended tone. I convinced myself he must be getting a new telephone. Moving, perhaps, and would call soon from a different number. 

He never did. 

Slowly I became aware of the truth. Just like the anti-hero in 'Journey by Moonlight,' Ian had abandoned me.

I cried. Couldn't stop. The worst thing was not knowing.

Jimmy came home and I pretended to be unwell. He went back to his dad's so I could go and stay with Beth. At first I persisted in ringing the number that was still burned on my brain — just in case — but in the end I accepted there was no more point. 

Ian was gone.

Beth hugged me. She didn't say “I told you so.” She did say perhaps it was for the best and maybe she was right. At the time when Ian had come along, my life had already got a little out of control. When we'd first started to talk I'd been working flat out and drinking too much. Looking back, it had been easy for Ian to slip right into my world. Another addiction. But in hindsight I don't regret having known him. Once he had begun supplying my endorphin rush, I'd actually started drinking less, eating better and taking time out alone. Ian had given me all that. I believe we come into contact with people for a reason.

For a long time after I was quite guarded around men, scared of being let down again. That was until Nate came along. He was uncomplicated, very transparent and let me know his feelings from the start. I had learned such a lot from my interactions with Ian and from day one I knew I could rely on Nate.

He is also very funny. It's so important to laugh as well as trust within a relationship. And the sex is real — not silicone.

But every now and then, when Nate goes out and Jimmy is at his dad's, I shoot a look at the telephone, remembering all those heady nights when anything, everything seemed possible. And even though I really am over him, sometimes when the moon is full, I can't help but wish Ian would ring my bell, just one — last — time.